In the mid 1980's a 'movement' swept this country. Maybe it was a movement perpetuated by books and overzealous 'investigators' or maybe it truly was Satan attempting to tear apart as many families as possible through false accusations. The movement was called the "Satanic Panic." Unfortunately this Satanic Panic affected thousands of people and changed them forever; including me and my family.
I grew up in Florida. Born to a mom and dad who were Southern Baptist, I had one sister who was five years and ten months older than me. My father was in law enforcement and my mother was a stay at home mom.
My father was an awesome father. He worked a lot and was honestly the most moral, upright person I have ever known in my life... On the other hand, I cannot say my mom was a 'bad' mom, and I don't know how to label it exactly, but she had a lot of 'issues.' She was phobic. She was deathly afraid of lightening and living in Florida, the lightening capital of the world, it's impossible to escape summer thunderstorms. For most of my life she was emotionally fragile and threatened suicide frequently. Many times she would lock herself in her bedroom with a gun and threaten to 'blow her brains out.' I grew up pretty stressed and a lot of times loneliness was my middle name.
From the age of 3 until about the age of 8 ½, my family attended a local Baptist church. At the age of 7, I vividly remember walking the aisle, accepting Jesus into my heart and shortly thereafter, being water baptized. I knew the Lord had saved my soul from that point forward; however, my parents lost interest in going to church and stopped going. It wasn't until I went to high school that I started going back to church again.
As I became a teenager, I kind of lost my place in the world. I was unsure about where I was going, what I was doing and who I would become. Like a lot of teenagers, graduating high school and becoming an adult scared me to death. My mother became increasing controlling over my life. She wasn't involved in my life per se, but she would rather I sit home and do nothing, as long as I was there watching over her and making sure I didn't rock the boat where her emotions were concerned.
I joined the local First Baptist church when I was a senior in high school. I tried desperately to fit in with the church youth group, but my loneliness increased and I often felt ostracized when I was never invited out to lunch with groups or 'cliques' of people after church or on trips. I never paired up with any one person and although I was standing in a crowd, I felt very alone. My 'friends' seemed only to be acquaintances and I really felt this unquenchable need for a closeness with some of the older females in the church.
Halfway through my senior year, a new girl came to my high school and we became fast friends. Tonya and I were inseparable and I was so grateful to finally have a friend I could confide in. It wasn't long before she invited me to her church ....the local Assembly of God where she and her family attended regularly. Tonya's dad was a Pentecostal evangelist and often filled in as a pastor there.
I was hesitant at first because as a Baptist, was told that Pentecostals were out of control, swung from the rafters, spoke in unintelligible languages and fell out in the floor. After a few weeks of pressure, I relented and visited the First Assembly of God with my best friend.
On my first visit, I fell in love with this church. The people were so friendly. I felt like they wanted me there; they needed me there; they loved me; they cared and they wanted to be my friend. I was awed at the freedom of worship and really enjoyed the teachings of the pastor. Within a few weeks, I had moved my membership from First Baptist to First Assembly and to no surprise, not a single soul from First Baptist ever once contacted me, or talked to me, or sought me out to find out what had happened to me. It solidified my decision to stay at First Assembly with this unbelievably lovable crowd.
I made a lot of friends in our small youth group. Where the First Baptist Church had over 100 youth, the First Assembly was more like 20. I was comfortable. I was home. I was taught how to truly worship God and felt I was able to be free in praise and I finally felt a closeness to my Father I had never felt before. I had a place to take my burdens from home and a place to call my own. A place where I had friends and where I was invited to participate and felt wanted and loved.
In 1989, I was 18 years old. I came to meet a woman in the church who I will call Brenda. Brenda was the same age as my mother. She was beautiful, spiritual, emotionally strong and everything I ever wanted in a mother. She befriended me and because she had a daughter my age, I befriended her as well. Julie and I became great friends and due to my friendship with her, I was spending more and more time around her mother. Brenda mentored me. She became, literally, my spiritual mother.
Within months Brenda and I talked daily. I told her of how my mother behaved and she was always sympathetic, offering prayer and understanding. We talked about our lives, our hopes, our dreams. And instead of confiding in and trusting in God, I started confiding in and trusting in Brenda. Brenda became everything to me. She was my spiritual mother, my mentor and my best friend. I told her everything and she treated me as if I were her own daughter. She gave me birthday and Christmas gifts and I did the same for her. I spent more and more time in prayer and going to prayer meetings with Brenda as she held them in her home and took me with her to meetings outside her home. I all but moved in with Brenda and her family completely.
On a Sunday morning in 1990, our pastor from First Assembly said he felt the call to leave our church and move to another state. The members, including Brenda, were devastated and felt he was not listening to the Lord. The youth pastor of the church temporarily took over until a pastor could be hired. This is where the trouble began.
The youth pastor was not much more than 25. He and his wife trusted in Brenda as their mentor and went to her for advice on many occasions. During this time, Brenda began reading books like Satan's Underground, Pigs in the Parlor, and He Came to Set the Captives Free. I also remember her reading some other books by former Satanist's such as Mike Warnke and Sean Sellers. As she read these books, she became more and more convinced that people needed demonic deliverance and she would talk to me often about how Christians could have demons in them. Because I felt she was so close to God and so spiritual, I believed her. This is a woman who was a tongue-talking, demon-stomping Christian in my eyes.
The conversations about demonic possession increased to a point where it was our complete conversation 90% of the time. She was suspecting there were Satanist's in the church, such as the piano player who was a single man who taught at the high school and other 'new people' who came into the church.
I am really unsure how it happened, but before I knew it there were two new women in my life. I'll call them Susan and Jean. Susan was a former WICCAN, now born-again, Spirit-filled and self proclaimed deliverance minister. Jean was her sidekick. Jean had scars up and down her arms where she had attempted suicide and had admittedly been institutionalized due to the affects of supposed severe childhood sexual and satanic ritual abuse.
Brenda began taking different women and children from the church to see Susan and have deliverance sessions over them. I was not present at the session, but was told about them when Brenda would return home. After several weeks, Susan came to First Assembly to cast demons out of the sanctuary. She cast them off the piano bench where the suspected Satanist was and off the balcony where visitors might have sat. As you can imagine, it didn't take long for them to turn their attention to me.
In the days to come, Brenda and another woman from the church I'll call Dena, accompanied me to see Susan and Jean for a deliverance session. I was not afraid. On the contrary, I much looked forward to it and hoped I could receive some relief from some of the issues I had suffered at the hands of my own emotional abuse...namely, my anger. I admitted my anger problem and because I was so thin, was told I probably had a demon of anorexia -- even though I ate rather well. I was asked if I had ever been abused and I told the stories of my mom's suicidal threats and also how I had suspected I may have been molested as a small child by a great-uncle. The prayers began.......the only problem was......nothing happened. There was no great manifestations of demons. There was no withering on the floor, no yelling, no screaming, no fighting, no cursing, no arguing. Just me...sitting there for prayer. They prayed the house down for what seemed like hours and ---- nothing. I repeated this ritual at least three times and at the last session was told by Susan that the Lord had revealed to her that I was 'withholding' something and lying about my past. I wracked my brain trying to figure out what I was withholding and was asked repeatedly to 'tell the truth.' What was the truth? I was uncertain at this point. I was told by Susan that the 4 of the ladies needed to pray without me present and that they would get back to me and let me know what God revealed. Confident that God spoke to them --- I agreed and left.
The next day I receive a phone call from Susan at my home. She tells me to never contact them or Brenda or her family again and that my things would be on Brenda's porch to pick up. I could not figure this out. What had I done? The Lord had 'revealed' to them, she said, that I was a practicing witch and my parents Satanists and that we were putting curses on them and casting spells. I guess it's important to note that during this time, Dena was diagnosed with breast cancer and I was blamed for that as well.
I was devastated. My spiritual mother was abandoning me. She left me out to dry and let this woman tell her I was doing things that simply weren't true. How could they be true when I was spending all of my time with them? I stayed at all night prayer meetings on HALLOWEEN., New Years and any other holiday and was quick to point this out to them. They wouldn't listen. Their minds were made up. They said God Himself had told them. This was the first time I realized God wasn't speaking to them and I sadly left...crying and was driven home by the youth pastor and Brenda's husband.
I finally broke down a few days later and told my mom and dad what was going on. They were infuriated and my mother called one of the deacons of the church over for a meeting at my house. I felt so bad and so protective of Brenda at this point and did not want anyone mad at her or to say hurtful things to her. Two deacons and their spouses came to my house. I told them the bare minimums and defended Brenda as much as I could. They were on my side and agreed it was wrong and that they wanted to hold a meeting with Brenda and Dena present. I agreed.
The meeting was called for Sunday afternoon. It was going to be audio taped because 2 deacons were unable to attend. Directly before the meeting, Brenda approached me. She told me if I would 'admit' I was doing these things, as was my family, she would KNOW I was repentant and would accept me back into her arms again. In my mind, in my 20 year old mind, all I thought was....I'm going to have my spiritual mother back, things will be all right and she will love me again. I agreed to admit it.....and admit it I did. On audio tape on a Sunday afternoon in 1990, I said I was a witch and my parents were Satanists so Brenda could be freed from the accusations and finger pointing and would love me once again. Sick as it sounds, that is how I felt. Of course, had it happened today, I'd have told her to take a hike, but hindsight is 20/20. I was immature and extremely gullible.
The deacons apologized to Brenda and flabbergasted, they told me they were ashamed to admit they were wrong. They questioned me and one deacon even seemed like he really didn't believe me and asked if she had ask me to say this -- I lied and said no. I was never asked to repent in front of the deacons.
Expecting to climb in the car with Brenda and go on my merry way as if this never happened, Brenda approached me after the meeting and told me she did not feel I was repentant and the deal was off. Once again, I was devastated.
Believe it or not, I continued to go to the church. By this time, there were stares, glares and outright lies told about me.....I was supposedly chanting satanic chants up and down the hallways during services. Outrageous lies. Within a month, a new pastor arrived. Not knowing what to do, I did nothing. He was at the church about 2 weeks when he called me into his office with Brenda and Dena. He asked to pray and he did....I sat silently. He asked me if I was practicing witchcraft and I stumbled around my words and said something to the effect of, 'uhh, err, I used to but I don't anymore.' Not even true, but what was I going to say? I wanted to scream 'NO I NEVER DID, IT'S A LIE. THEY ARE LYING!!!!' But who was going to believe me NOW? He informed me I was no longer welcome in the church and I should apologize to Brenda and Dena, which I did. He also mentioned the fact that when he prayed he heard me say NOTHING. Excuse me, but a person CAN pray in their heart, can't they? I was just so confused, so hurt and so completely lost and did not know what I was going to do. These people were my 'elders' as I had always been taught and being immature and confused, I did not know what to do. I did not want my family to find out what I told about them and felt it best to just walk out the door and never return. Which is exactly what I did.
Years have gone by since this happened to me. I realize this story is long and drawn out, but I hope I somewhat explained how I got myself into such a situation. I was a young girl looking for love and found a few dysfunctional people who ended up hurting me. I suppose if nothing else, I have become a lot stronger of a person due to my experience and would love to help others in this same situation. I would love to stand at an Assembly of God and give my testimony and say, you know, this behavior is not of God and it is not biblical and it is as wrong as wrong gets. The Lord, after many years, brought me out of this situation and back to His side. And for that, I am grateful. What Satan intended for harm has been turned into a greater good by the Lord. I now have a wonderful family with wonderful children and a wonderful career. I also have a close and peaceful relationship with my Creator, Jesus. No matter what they claim their 'god' told them, MY God knows my name.
Many times over the years I've considered confronting Brenda. Dena has passed away from cancer and I do not know what happened to Susan or to Jean. The pastor is still pastoring the church there and as far as I know, Brenda still attends. I've heard Julie, Brenda's daughter, is very ill which saddens me. I pray for them whenever I am reminded to and hope they never do to anyone else what they did to me.
*Posted by permission of the author. All names have been changed.
