I. AWARD FOR WORST USE OF SCRIPTURE IN A SONG:

This award goes to Lift Jesus Higher, for the lyrics:

"Lift Jesus higher,
Lift Him up for the world to see,
He said, 'If I be lifted up from the earth,
I will draw all men unto Me'."

This song is based on John 12:32. Unfortunately, the songwriter failed to read verse 33, which explains that "lifted up from the earth", refers to the crucifixion. In other words, this song is really instructing us to crucify Jesus on a taller cross.

Runner-up: Give Me Oil in My Lamp, for siding with the wrong set of virgins. (Matthew 25)

 II. AWARD FOR MOST GRUESOME MARTYR SONG

The unanimous winner in this category is a particularly disturbing early version of The Bloodwashed Traveler for gory details about a Christian being burned at the stake. ("I saw the flames around him, his body wracked with pain . . ."). Thankfully, later versions of this song revised the lyrics, removing the flesh-roasting aspect of the song.

III. AWARD FOR WEIRD, INCOMPREHENSIBLE LYRICS:

And the winner is: The Great Speckled Bird (Roy Acuff).

"Oh, what a beautiful thought I am thinking
Concerning a great speckled bird,
Remember her name is recorded
On the pages of God's holy word . . ."

Bonus points for Painful Redundancy: (thought I am thinking")

Extra bonus points for Pentecostal Martyr Complex:

"All the other churches are against her,
They envy her glory and fame,
They hate her because she is chosen
And has not denied Jesus' name."

IV. MOST THREATENING ALTAR CALL SONG AWARD

This award goes to Standing Outside:

"Standing outside the portals, standing outside denied,
Knowing that with the demons ever you shall abide;
Never to share the beauties awaiting the sanctified . . ."

Runner-up O God Our Lord (Keith Green):

"Who you gonna throw in the lake of fire,
O God Our Lord,
Who you gonna throw when the flames get higher,
O God Our Lord

V. MOST DISTURBING MENTAL IMAGE AWARD

And the winner is: Can't Nobody Do Me Like Jesus (Britten)

No need to post the lyrics . . . the title says it all.

This category received many other excellent nominations, including:

• I'll Say Yes, Yes, Yes for being far too reminiscent of the words one might utter in the throes of romantic passion,
• Take to the World (Derek Webb) for the line: "And may the bread on your tongue leave a trail of crumbs"

and ...

• I Belong to You (Australia Hillsongs) for disturbing romance :

"Jesus, my first love
You're everything I'm living for
You're the joy I know, the treasure I hold dear,
I burn for you,
My eternal love."

VI. YOUTH GROUP BILGE AWARD

This award is tied between the two most popular nonsensical youth group songs propagated by youth pastors in a desperate attempt to keep teenagers amused:

•  I've Been Redeemed, for the verses:
  
  
  • The Devil and I we both agree . . . I hate him and he hates me
  • You can't get to Heaven in a rocking chair . . . there ain't no lazy folks up there

  and ...          

  • You can't get to Heaven on roller skates . . . you'd roll right past those pearly gates

   

• Give Me Oil in My Lamp for the verses:
  
  
  • Give me wax on my board, keep me surfing for the Lord
  • Give me hot sauce in my taco, help me witness in Morocco

  and ...                               

  • Give me gas in my Ford, keep me chugging for the Lord

VII. AWARD FOR SONG MOST LIKELY TO RESULT IN BODILY INJURY

The award goes to I Can Run Through A Troop and Leap Over a Wall, which has actually been known to result in broken bones as parishioners attempted to prove the lyrics, only to discover that they could not, in fact, leap over a wall.

Well, that's all folks!  Thank you and good night.