Welcome to the Second Annual Bad Pentecostal Song Awards!  I must begin once again by thanking all of you whose nominations and suggestions made this event possible.  As a result of the many excellent nominations this year, we have several new Bad Pentecostal Song categories.  So sit down and put your head between your knees as we go to the results:

I.  AWARD FOR WORST USE OF SCRIPTURE IN A SONG

The award this year goes to a runner-up from last year:  Keith Green.  Keith Green was a very new Christian at the time that he wrote his music.  He never lacked enthusiasm or talent, but, unfortunately, he did lack understanding.  This becomes abundantly clear in his popular song, He'll Take Care of the Rest, which boasts these lyrics:

"You just think about Noah,
Toting his umbrella,
when there wasn’t a cloud in the sky,
All his neighbors would laugh at his pet giraffe,
And would snicker as he walked by,
But the Lord said, 'Hey Noah, keep cool,
Just keep building that boat,
It’s just a matter of time
Until they see who’s gonna float,
You just keep doing your best,
And pray that it’s blessed,
Hey Noah, I’ll take care of the rest!"

Apparently, Keith never actually read the account of Noah before writing this silly song.  The story of Noah is found in Genesis 6 & 7, and there is no mention at all of Noah's neighbors or a pet giraffe.  In fact, despite popular Pentecostal mythology, the Bible never says that Noah told his friends or neighbors anything about the coming flood or that they thought there was anything usual about Noah building a large boat.  Certainly, there is no record of God saying anything to Noah like, "It's just a matter of time until they see who's gonna float".

II.  AWARD FOR SONG MOST LIKELY TO RESULT IN BODILY INJURY

This category receive many nominations, most of which were based on a song being so annoying that, as one woman said, "If the worship leader starts into that song again, I'm gonna punch him in the eye!"

Two of my friends made an excellent case that Alleluia should win in this category, because it is so repetitive that someday somebody is bound to die of sheer boredom:

"Alleluuuuuuuuuuuiaaaaaaaa,
Alleluuuuuuuuuuuuiaaaaaaaa,
Alleluuuuuuuuuuuuiaaaaaaaa,
Alleluuuuuuuuuuuuiaaaaaaaa,
Alleluuuuuuuuuuuu . . . *yawn* . . . iaaaaaaa,
Alleluuuuu . . . zzzzzzzz . . . "

Yes, my friends do have a point.

However, the song that emerged as the clear winner this year in this category was the old classic Father Abraham, which almost always has dizzy people crashing into one another by the end of the song.

III.  PENTECOSTAL ARROGANCE AWARD

This is a new category especially for songs that reek of stupid Pentecostal arrogance (and there are many).

The award goes to . . . (all together now, folks):

"I am a one-God,
Apostolic,
Tongue-talking,
Holy-rolling,
Heaven-bound
Believer in the liberating power of
Jesus name!
I've been washed in the blood,
Sanctified by the Spirit,
I believe in holiness
And I suggest you do the same.
I was set free at the Pentecostal altar on my knees,
Pardon me, I'm not ashamed . . ."

Yeah, well, they really should be ashamed.

Runner-up:  I Know God is God for the lyrics:

"They call me a holy-roller,
And that just might be true,
But if they knew what we're rollin' about,
Then they'd be rollin' too."

Bonus points awarded to the title for Painful Redundancy ("God is God").

IV.  YOUTH GROUP BILGE AWARD

The award goes to:  Yay, God! for stupidity above and beyond the normal youth-group level.  The lyrics describe a football game "played on Sunday, right in God's backyard". 

Since I am a Christian, I feel uncomfortable even repeating the rest of the lyrics, which are shockingly irreverent (especially considering that this song originated in a Christian church).  Let's just say that it involves Jesus "scoring touchdowns against guys from hell" . . . and let's leave it at that.

V.  MOST DISTURBING MENTAL IMAGE AWARD

The unanimous winner in this category is an old worship chorus from what I can only describe as the Charismatic Intimacy Fad.  Back in the 1990's, there was a period when "intimacy" was the big catch-phrase, and everyone was writing songs about intimacy and wanting to be "carried away to the secret place", despite the obvious double-meaning.

And so the winner is:  I Desire Intimacy, which boasts these disturbing and weirdly incestuous-sounding lyrics:

"I desire intimacy with you,
My lovely, precious child,
O loved one, give yourself to Me,
I desire intimacy with you . . .
Oh, Father, I give myself to You."

Ewwwwww.

VI.  ALL-AROUND WORST PENTECOSTAL SONG

This is another new category, added for those special songs that are awful on so many levels that it is difficult to fit them into one category or another.

This year, the title goes to What's Wrong With My Children? primarily for guilt-tripping, whininess, and bad rhyme scheme.  It makes matters worse that the lyrics are supposed to be God speaking, which drops it to a whole new level of badness by making it also a false prophecy:

"What's wrong with My children?
Why won't they praise Me?
Am I not the King of Kings?
Am I not the Lord of Lords?

What's wrong with My children?
Why won't they praise Me?
I've given them everything,
Yet they have no joy.

They assemble in My name,
And sing of their love for Me,
But the song is not from their hearts,
And I can't hear them sing.

Are they ashamed of Me?
Afraid someone will see
If they lift their hands toward heaven above
In honor of Me.

There are actually more verses to that song, each of them equally bad, and each leaving the overall impression that God is an insecure deity who thinks nobody likes Him.

Well, that's all for this year, folks.  Keep sending in those nominations.