Welcome to the Third Annual Bad Pentecostal Song Awards! And, once again, thank you to everyone who took the time to email me the worst Pentecostal songs in history. Thanks a lot. Now I can't get them out of my head. Right now, Jesus on the Main Line, Tell Him What You Want is shrieking in my brain: "Call Him up, call Him up, tell Him what you want ..."
Well, let's move along.
I. AWARD FOR WORST USE OF SCRIPTURE IN A SONG
The award goes to They Rush on the City, They Run on the Walls. The lyrics from this song come from the book of Joel, and Pentecostals and Charismatics sing it as a song of wild victory and celebration:
"They rush on the city, they run on the walls,
How great is the army that carries out His word ..."
Sadly, Charismatics and Pentecostals almost never actually read Joel. Otherwise, they would realize that in Joel 2, the 'great army' that is rushing on the city and running on the walls is the one destroying God's people. That portion of scripture concludes:
Let the priests, the ministers of the LORD, weep between the porch and the altar, and let them say, Spare thy people, O LORD, and give not thine heritage to reproach, that the heathen should rule over them: wherefore should they say among the people, Where is their God? ~Joel 2:17
Kinda takes all the pep out of that song, doesn't it?
II. AWARD FOR WEIRD, INCOMPREHENSIBLE LYRICS
This category is back this year with an award for Something About That Name. Although only one person nominated this song, I am awarding it anyway due to my own extreme revulsion for this incomprehensible song and its smarmy tune.
"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, there's just something about that name;
Master, Savior, Jesus, like the fragrance after the rain ...
There's just something about that name."
Sadly, the author of the song never seems quite able to put his finger on exactly what it is about that name that is so intriguing. There just seems to be something. Maybe something important. Or maybe its just the two letter s's that make it the name look so pleasantly proportional. No, he just can't quite think what it is about that name ...Oh, well. Better luck next time.
Let's move on to considering the name 'Larry'. I've always thought there was something about that name ...
III. STUPID PENTECOSTAL ARROGANCE AWARD
And the award goes to The Old Gospel Ship, for these obnoxious lyrics:
"If you are ashamed of me,
You have no cause to be,
For with Christ I am an heir.
If too much fault you find,
You're sure to be left behind
While I go sailing through the air."
Runner-up: Carman in Satan, Bite the Dust, for declaring himself the representative of "a whole new breed of Christian of today".
IV. MOST DISTURBING MENTAL IMAGE AWARD
The unanimous winner in this category is True Love (David Ruis):
"Jesus, I need to know true love,
Deeper than the love found on earth,
Take me to the King's chamber,
Cause my love to mature.
Let me know the kisses of your mouth,
Let me feel your warm embrace,
Let me smell the fragrance of your touch,
Let me see your lovely face,
Take me away with you.
Even so, Lord, come."
Though I am a thoroughly cynical ex-Pentecostal, I did a double-take when I first saw this extremely sexually suggestive nomination. I had to check several sources to convince myself that it is a real Pentecostal song. It is not only real, but apparently even somewhat popular. I easily managed to secure a recording of it (Ruis's Wide Wide World album), whereupon the imagery became even more disturbing. Apparently, it was recorded live in the midst of either an outpouring of the Toronto Blessing or an epidemic of severe gastritis. There is a lot of eerie wailing and weeping in the background of the song and even, at one point, a noise that I swear sounds like somebody vomiting.
What an uplifting song.
V. AWARD FOR SONG MOST LIKELY TO RESULT IN BODILY INJURY
And the award goes to: Deep and Wide, the time-honored Sunday school song that allows restless kids to take out their aggressions on the children on either side of them by 'accidentally' smacking them repeatedly in the face.
Bonus points for Painful Redundancy: The second verse of the song is Wide and Deep. Need I say more?
VI. LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD
This year's nominations were infested with Carman music to the point where I ultimately decided that Carman deserved some kind of special recognition for a lifetime of producing horrible songs.
Carman arrived on the Pentecostal scene all the way back in the 1970's and became wildly popular in the 1980's and 1990's with mindless drivel such as the Holy Ghost Hop: "Ready, hold steady, don't deny it, just try it, be bold now, let it go now, give the Holy Ghost control now ..." and Addicted to Jesus: "Praise Him with your feet! Yo!"
My personal favorite Carman song to hate will always be the upbeat but profoundly stupid song 1955:
"...Once all this had ended,
Up to the microphone
Stepped the Man of God himself,
Strong, alone, and prone.
And with a furnace in his eyes,
And no time left to play,
This human locomotive
Right there began to say ...
'What God wants me to ask you,
What He needs to know most--
Are you saved, sanctified,
and filled with the Holy Ghost?'"
Now this song raises a number of fascinating questions. Why is the man of God prone? Did he trip over the microphone cord? Has God lost track of who is saved, sanctified, and filled with the Holy Ghost? And what the heck is a 'human locomotive'?
Most of the nominations, however, centered on Carman's songs that are essentially nothing more than Pentecostal bragging and trash-talking. Satan, Bite the Dust is a perfect example:
"I represent a whole new breed of Christian of today
And I'm authorized and deputized to blow you clean away.
I've got a message to deliver from One who's true and just
We'll spit in your eye, you father of lies
Satan, bite the dust!"
Anyone ever get the sense that Carman is overcompensating for something? Well, unfortunately, this award won't help him feel better about himself. But here's to thirty years of total crap! No one could do it better than you, Carman!
Well, that's all the awards for this year, folks! If you would like to nominate your least favorite Pentecostal songs, please email me. And, if there is anything else that you need . . . well, Jesus is on the main line. Tell Him what you want.
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