The Fourth Annual Bad Pentecostal Song Awards

Welcome back! Yes, it's that time again, folks! My inbox is overflowing with nominations, and my brain is starting to ... um ... starting to ... uh ...

"JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUNBEEEEEEEEAM, TO SHINE FOR HIM EACH DAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

Sorry. That's been happening all day. Let's get this over with, so I can get all these hideous song out of my head.

I. AWARD FOR WORST USE OF SCRIPTURE IN A SONG

And the award goes to .... Days of Elijah!

These are the days of Elijah,
Declaring the word of the Lord,
These are the days of your servant Moses,
Righteousness being restored ...
These are the days of Ezekiel,
The dry bones becoming as flesh,
And these are the days of your servant David,
Rebuilding the temple of praise.

Oh, where to even begin? Well, for one thing, David didn't build the temple, nor did he rebuild it. Solomon built the temple, and Ezra rebuilt it. But more to the point--why are these the days of Elijah, Moses, Ezekiel, or David? Are we just randomly throwing out names of Old Testament prophets? Can we choose any one we like? Let's see ...

These are the days of Joel,
The moon is turning to blood,
And these are the days of your servant Noah,
We're all gonna die in a flood ...

Hey, this is a fun game! I could do this all day! But we have more nominations, so let's move along...

II. MOST DISTURBING MENTAL IMAGE AWARD

The winner in this category is a cheerful 1980's Charismatic ditty called It's Bubbling that makes Christianity sound like a bad case of indigestion :

It's bubbling, it's bubbling, it's bubbling in my soul,
It's singing and laughing since Jesus made me whole.
Folks don't understand it, but I just can't keep it quiet.
It's bubbling, bubbling, bubbling, bubbling, bubbling day and night.

Clear the area, ladies and gentlemen. You don't want to be around when it finally boils over.

III. YOUTH GROUP BILGE AWARD

The unanimous winner this year is the old classic I've Got the Joy for declaring that, if the Devil doesn't like the joy down in my heart, 'he can sit on a tack'.

IV. STUPID PENTECOSTAL ARROGANCE AWARD

This award goes to a relatively new song written by UPCI pastor Nathaniel Haney called I'm a Pentecostal and performed hyperactively on YouTube. It is interesting to note that many Pentecostal songs, written ostensibly to give glory to God, in fact give glory only to Pentecostals. The only praise in the song is praise of Pentecostals. And, since Pentecostals are singing the song (and in a Pentecostal church) it is little more than a bizarre cheerleading theme:

I'm a Pentecostal, I am not ashamed!
Just read the book of Acts, we are still the same!

People who have nominated this song almost invariably ask, "Who are they talking to? It's a Pentecostal church, fer crying out loud. Do they think half the congregation is going to look around and say, 'Pentecostal? Really? Well, I'm glad they cleared THAT up. All this time, I thought I was attending the First Baptist Church of Snodville!'" But it seems quite clear to me that the Pentecostals are really talking to themselves. And that actually makes this song rather sad. I'm sure we all remember the deep insecurity that made us all feel the need to repeat over and over to ourselves that we were so happy to be Pentecostal and definitely not embarrassed about it!

V. AWARD FOR WEIRD INCOMPREHENSIBLE LYRICS

The winner this year is God's Not Dead. I shall now post the lyrics in their entirety:

God's not dead, no! He is alive.
God's not dead, no! He is alive.
God's not dead, no! He is alive--I feel Him all over me.
I feel Him in my hands, I feel Him in my feet,
I feel Him in the air, I feel Him everywhere,
I feel Him all over me.

Yep, that's it. Don't know what it's about? Neither do I, and yet it's still so creepy! I feel it all over me.

VI. MOST AMUSING ANALOGY AWARD

This is a brand new category created especially to honor those worship songs with metaphors that are guaranteed to make you choke on your communion wafer. And the first winner in this category is the very deserving Pentecostal classic The Royal Telephone.

Telephone to glory, oh, what joy divine!
I can feel the current moving on the line,
Built by God the Father for His loved and own,
We may talk to Jesus through this royal telephone.

But wait, there's more! Are you not getting enough 'current on your line'?

Well, my friends, God may like the old-fashioned telephone, but this modern gal prefers email. Send your nominations for the 2008 Bad Pentecostal Song Awards to Caroline@pentecostalfreedom.org.