- if you bought the same CD three times because you kept destroying it while 'under conviction'

- if you know exactly where you were on September 13, 1988

- if you refuse to attend any more 'housecleanings' unless they involve brooms, mops, and vacuum cleaners

- if you hear someone say, "I am a . . ." and you reflexively think, " . . . ONE GOD, APOSTALIC, TONGUE TALKING, HOLY ROLLING, BORN AGAIN, HEAVEN-BOUND BELIEVER IN THE LIBERATING POWER OF JESUS NAME", but then you bang your head against the wall because you HATE that song and now it's gonna be in your head ALL DAY

- if you finally moved your contraband TV out of your closet

- if you refused to stand up in church and shout to the North, South, East, and West, even though everyone was (at one point in the shout), turned in your direction

- if you have ever examined the carpet pattern of your former church up close and you know what the undersides of all the pews look like

- if you know what "prayer-walking" means, but you are embarrassed that you know

- if you spent a lot of money taking a class to learn to prophesy, but now you wish you'd taken an Alaskan cruise instead

- if you wonder how you could ever have had a serious discussion about the moral implications of culottes

- if your will prohibits anyone from trying to raise you from the dead

- if you dared your former pastor to strike you with leprosy

- if you are still on the membership rolls of at least five Pentecostal churches, even though you haven't attended any of them for fifteen years

- if you have ever turned on sprinklers to break up an unwelcome pray-through on your lawn